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soooo. i suck at keeping this thing active. but the only person who reads it is lizza. and i'm sitting on her couch right now, so i just feel silly.

she and scott are both packing up the last details here in Concord, and i've run out of things to be helpful with. i guess i'm secretly a little sad, mostly because i have been spoiled and seen them a lot lately (which is weird since i'm now living out of state) but i do hope they build a great life out there, friends, school, work, everything, and i can't wait to visit them, because who doesn't want to visit Colorado! plus it won't be so far once i'm in California, if that's where i end up.

so make haste miss lizza, dr. jane, say goodbye to the cold cold new england that we call home, say hello to snowy snowy fort collins and enjoy yourself out there. and if you push me hard enough, one day i'll probably be your neighbor, just like we planned.

love you.
25 April 2007 @ 11:43 pm
says James Joyce.

on livejournal: 2 months since a post... highlights the inconsistencies & shiny distractions of my life.

on weather: it was beautiful, beautiful, beautiful and then it rained, rained, rained.

on women: i'm so sick of them.

on men: gill bought me porn for women for my birthday. and nettie offered to buy me sex toys. these are not good signs.

on feliznavihomynym: hallelujah

on ebay: sell me some fucking sox tickets already!

on monday: i turn 25!
20 February 2007 @ 03:46 pm
so... it is somewhere close to 4pm, and i have a mountain of schoolwork to avoid. i have been out of class sinse 11, and all i have to show for myself is a very pretty to do list with stars on it. oooh look at me, so much to do, doesn't that make me feel important... and now that i'm done making the list, i came looking for something to distract me so that i wouldn't have to accomplish anything on the list. enter livejournal.

so. my point is, when my life is really crazy, i just go and go and go because i have to. i don't have time to make lists in the first place let alone avoid them. and now that i've made time for the important academics, i find myself falling into these little trap doors of myspace, livjournal, email refreshing nonsense.

and here we are. i am forcing myself to stop typing and go read something that was actually published. (which at least requires 2 people's approval before it reaches me... whereas anything i read online is generally unfiltered crap, like what i have written above.)

i don't even bother to capitalize. what does that say?
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: regina spektor... i know - she's everywhere.
18 February 2007 @ 01:41 pm
i'm hanging out with my friend while she injects her rats at the lab... i know ew. and they (and the little cones on their heads) freak me out so i've disappeared to play on the computer for a little while instead.

we went out to brunch this morning at a very cute place that i've already forgotten the name of. i've delayed on my homework all weekend, and now i actually have to face it. so i'll be headed into a long night of french and canterbury tales... what a lucky girl i am.

i bought a new bed set yesterday, which i can't really afford, but my personal space has been reduced to a dorm room, and i just need it to be comfortable. i'm starting to hate the winter colors outside.
Current Mood: okayokay
13 February 2007 @ 03:05 pm
so the ny times has run two articles lately that apply to the land of english majors. i won't bore you with the details or links as the articles are long, but in summation...

one was about how pundits misinterpret and misuse famous works of literature (especially poetry which america has forgotten how to read) in this case, yeats. very pretentious stuff, but a nice illustration of how politicians often posture intelligence rather than invest in it.

the second was about how no one reads anymore and the fact that a professor of literature actually wrote a book on how to talk about the famous books you've never read and don't intend to read. (seems irony is alive despite alanis)

i discovered as a result of the second article an archived op-ed by one of my favorite literary theorists and cultural critics, Harold Bloom. Bloom read the first harry potter and wrote a nasty anti-hogwarts style criticism on the dumbing down of american literature and americans (disregarding that the story was written by a brit... the popularity of the stories in america becomes his focus)

i can only say in defense of harry potter, that i put Rowling into that oh-so-unpretentious category of pseudo literature... she occupies a place among my favorite chick lit novels, the dan brown works, and more of the same. these are not great works of literature, but they occupy a land between literature and movies (which explains why most of them are eventually made into movies) cliches and traditinal conventions of storytelling are everywhere in our culture, why shouldn't they have a place in popular literature? these authors write closer to the way we speak, and their themes have more to do with what our culture has become obsessed with... commercialism, religion, traditions, lifestyles, etc. they are not grappling with the life and death or morality issues of literary tradition, they are writing the world they know, even if they move through their texts with blinders on, the reader does not want more from them. they are beach reads, easily taken in at one sitting.

if you approach the works with that in mind, they are not offensive in their lack of literary innovation. they are simply what we expect them to be. they are not making america dumber, they are making america read! especially in the case of harry potter, a work which requires the reader to create a world not easily reconciled with reality. this imaginary world inferred and infused with individual creativity over text (assuming you haven't seen the movie yet) is at the very heart of what reading is all about. if these books are capable of acting as a gateway to greater and more challenging works of writing, who are we to say they don't deserve a place on the shelves? reading is reading, and no one should be criticized for enjoying an easy read. literature that asks more of its readers is out there for those who want it.

and now i have to go read joyce for tomorrow... what am i doing?
26 January 2007 @ 12:32 pm
so today is bad friday.

because friends are hurting and there's nothing i can do.
because my mom's car isn't back from the shop & my truck died this morning.
because i'm supposed to be in boston with my mom.
because instead i'm sitting in hillsboro.
because the miss america pageantry is all scratchy and hurty.
because i finally have a plan, and the really good stuff is still far away.
because grey's anatomy is a great big cock tease of proposals.

tomorrow i go back to school. and that will be a nice little saturday i guess. although i now have to sort out how to get there... back to the land of clear purpose and simple expectations.
27 November 2006 @ 12:51 am
i miss my high school art class.

spurr. with her whistling keys and high pitched voice.
the smell. some weird combination of tempera paint and swamp clay recycled with lots of dead skin cells...
the way when you were having a bad day you could lay your cheek against the cool, smooth black lab tables and feel better.
the stools that had a bar exactly the right size and height so that you could hook the heal of your sneaker on them.
how calm i felt at the wheel. those silly jean aprons. skipping class to sit there and feel the clay move under my hands in a constant soothing motion.
i loved that room. the openness and the disdain for criticism.

today i drove through downtown hillsboro at night. the christmas lights are out. they are so ugly, but i love them so much i could cry. when i was a little girl, maybe 2 or 3, my mother and father had to drive back and forth under them so they could hear me yelling "yights, yights!" and they're all exactly the same as i remember. tacky and colorful, tin soldiers and candy canes... it makes me wonder how long they've been around. i hope they never change.
Current Location: home
Current Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
21 November 2006 @ 10:58 am
five minutes to french class...
55 minutes to victorian lit...
2 hrs and 25 minutes to leaving south hadley...
5 hours to home.

i so need a break from this place.
06 November 2006 @ 03:26 pm
i have a paper due on wednesday that i haven't started- that i'm scared to start actually, because it's so FREAKIN long and i have too many things to say, which never works out as well as it sounds. i need to condense my thoughts.

i feel like my whole world down here (except for me) is on slow motion- like everyone else is suspended and moving calmly through the motions, and i'm scrambling like a crazy person to get things done. since when was college like this? i'm good at college! i've been to 3 other schools, and carried a 4.0. Now i've just received my first B+ on a paper, which is fine, because i could care less about the letter, but what does bother me is that i know i deserved that grade. i'm just so busy, and i'm not used to letting school be my whole life. My coursework takes me about 4-6 hours every day, more if i'm writing a paper. I don't have enough time to look for a part time job, let alone work one into my schedule, and i really need the money.

I went to a time management workshop at the beginning of the school year. The instructor asked us to compile a color coded calender of our major coursework (midterms, finals, big papers) so i sat down for an hour and did just that, making a note of my busiest times in the semester, blocking out study times to prep for them. i have a great master plan of time management hanging in front of my broken computer monitor. it hasn't helped. i want my hour back.

part of the problem is the nonsense of computers. i budgeted my financial aid so that i could afford to buy a laptop with one of my loans, and then when housing fell through, my grant was reduced because i'm off campus, and that money is gone now. i don't have a computer or online access at home. 5 days a week, i have to access video and audio programs online in order to do my homework. i do my work in the library, when i don't forget my headphones.

i just spent the weekend "relaxing" at home, but i'm exhausted already. it's only monday. it is not supposed to be this hard! part of the problem is living off campus. there's the drive, and paying bills, cooking meals, cleaning, and never feeling like i'm going to break even. these are things i don't mind doing in real life, they're a given, but now the change in academic rigor has made them impossible to consider. i literally can not think about them. i'm tired. really tired, and i love this place, my courses are interesting, but i think it's just not the kind of school where you can have a life and do well academically. it's one or the other.
Current Mood: blech
27 October 2006 @ 09:41 am
i'm coming home today :)